Jihad The Musical

A song and dance representation of the tension between two friends: an Islamist intent on Caliphate by the end of the week, and a bleeding heart liberal who is looking forward to his first Gay Pride.

Plot Synopsis

Jihad The Musical is set between a local multi-faith school, a mosque and a night club. It follows Ahmed, a 17 year old intelligent devout Asian-British Muslim, the youngest son of second generation immigrants, as he abandons academic study following the influence of Imam Omar Saddam, the leader of the mosque. Ahmed starts the musical as a bright, family loyal and curious member of his school, frequently spending time with friends either at the night club or at one of their parent's houses. By the end of the musical, he advocates death of all animal life on earth, except Islamists and the duck-billed platypus.

Ahmed opens Jihad The Musical with his solo number "It's My Life, Innit". He relishes his naivety and his absence of any facial hair. He proceeds through what is his typical week, comprising of school, football, family dramas, praying, partying at the night club and worrying about his acceptance to university.

In school, Ahmed is comfortable around by his peers, and is seen to interact with many races of people. He laughs at some sexist and homophobic jokes while ignoring others. He likes the appeal of absolute rule, especially in sport, but gets stroppy when he feels excluded from the decision making process. Ahmed and Billy James share a lot of classes, and both are heading towards higher education. Billy James' emerging homosexuality is either amusing to Ahmed or he takes it in his stride, along with many other of his friends quirks (including Rebecca the bad tap dancer, Gital the bad rapper, and Shilpa, a beautiful young woman whom Ahmed adores but is not sure what to make of her hippy-stylee Bollywood dress sense).

At home Ahmed encounters an array of mixed messages from his parents and his brother, even though there appears harmony (they eat and pray together). At the mosque Ahmed is "taught" different views and intepretations and this echoes the quiet dissonance at home. But before he can resolve his thoughts and feelings, Ahmed meets Omar Saddam, the leader of the mosque, who introduces himself with the number "Fear Me, I have a Beard."

Omar Saddam intellectually bludgeons Ahmed with crass syllogisms, false statistics, and prejudice masquerading as legitimate interpretations of what it means to be muslim. Unable to either recognise Omar Saddam's flaws (character and intellectual) nor having the education to fight them, Ahmed begins to adopt the world view as described by Omar Saddam and withdraws from school, football, the night club and even his family.

The mosque becomes his only locale. In the mosque, Ahmed reads and re-reads holy works, whispered at by the imams and spirits in electric blue burkas, until he emerges bald, with a beard, and dressed in gansta chav clothes. He sings his thumping solo number "Facial Hair Army", and is joined on stage by the rest of the cast whom he now wants dead (each appears in turn wearing a niqab with an archer's target on the forehead), only to be interrupted by Stephen Fry, who glides serenly on stage. Stephen sings for calm and discussion "over some madeira" (sweet red wine) before starting the end number, "Good Evening, Charles Darwin", a 12 minute all-cast symphonic chorus about the freedom "one obtains from getting an education."

Main Characters

Ahmed (protagonist)
Billy James (gay friend)
Rebecca (school friend, bad tap dancer)
Gital (friend, bad rapper)
Shilpa (friend, bad dresser)
Omar Saddam (leader of the mosque)
Geoff (school teacher counsellor, who mis-guesses about the source of his students ills)
Ahmed Senior (brother of Ahmed, a post-graduate student)
Ahmed the Elder (Ahmed's father)
Ahmed the Unready (shy pupil in mosque)
Mrs Ahmed (Ahmed's mother)
Stephen Fry (as the bringer of reason)

Song List (main numbers)

1. It's My Life, Innit
2. Look in my Mosque
3. Burka Blues
4. Young Asian, There's No Need Feel to Down
5. Mela Melons
6. Dub and Shave
7. Night Bus Trip
8. Not Enough Islam
9. Fear Me, I have a Beard.
10. Rage Man, Not a Boy
11. Facial Hair Army
12. Madeira Monocle (Stephen Fry)
13. Tish and Pish Chorus (with Stephen Fry)
14. Good Evening, Charles Darwin

Song Lyrics

Available in the near future.

Contraversy

Portrayal of holy entities
Central to Ahmed's transformation in the mosque is his belief that Allah has appeared and spoken to him on many occasions. In order reduce the number of death threats to a reasonable number per day, the producers and author decided to randomly change the sound used and visual representation used, thus implying an omniprescence and divinity in all aspects of existence. To date these have included using:

Sounds to represent the voice of Allah:
Squirrels eating
The fountains in Trafalgar Square
A Post It note being peeled off
Segments of Japanese Rap played backwards
Hiss from an Iron against cotton
Rhubarb being cooked

Objects to represent the prescence of Allah:
A cue ball
Pale blue begonias
Stuffed penguin
Egg fried rice (steaming)
Flock wallpaper
An interpretive dance of the US War of Independence (from a feminist perspective)

Guantanamo Orange Jumpsuits
After Ahmed's tranformation in the mosque, the first few performances had the characters appearing on stage in niqab's and also dressed in the orange jumpsuits as used in the US detention centre in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The US Government was outraged at the close alignment of their country's values with those of whom they perceive as "the real terrorists". Following an intense and sustained campaign in the US (by almost every media outlet, although ignored in the rest of the world), coupled with alleged bribes, the producers withdrew the orange jumpsuits entirely.

Critical Response

"I was so disgusted with this crass and gaudy evening at the theatre that I went back every night for a month just to confirm my horror at this new low mark of civilisation."
Daily Mail

"If you look beyond the piece as a symbol of how bold individuals, living together, can advance the social world of their reality and thereby contribute to harmony in Britain through a perceived larger reality (of non-denomination, multi-perspective, neo-classical constructed precepts), then Jihad The Musical splendidly assured hat-trick of Brechtian subtlety challenges our primeval human need to sing..." (continues in a similar vain for 94 paragraphs)
The Guardian

"Comic."
God
(this is unconfirmed and probably is the guy who is down the shopping centre every Christmas, breaking his ASBO by wearing white sheets in public)

"If only all the troubles of the world could be resolved with a song from Stephen Fry and a glass or two of madeira. Inspirational."
Nobel Peace Prize Committee

"Derka derka Mohammed jihad. Baccalà sherpa Mohammed Ali."
President of the Peoples Republic (sic) of The Middle East

"It was wonderful to work with you all, my lovelies. And I never want to see any of you ever again."
Stephen Fry, after the opening night.

World Tour

Jihad The Muscial will tour major cities next year.

Sequel

The Caliphate Democracy (or how I learned to stop voting and love the Shah) is in the early stages of production. The plot is thought to revolve around how the Islamists managed to wrest control of the Isle of Man from Britain and are planning an attack on the mainland. Stephen Fry will not be reprising his role although it is rumoured Hugh Laurie is appearing in some capacity.